Celebrities are good at so many things. They entertain us with their beauty, style, charm and frequent intoxication. They create wonderful movies, music and sex tapes. They save the world by adopting, and crazily naming, every orphaned child they meet. They even tell us what to buy, what to eat and what to wear!
Why, then, must they be good at gaming as well? Why must we always shove controllers and remotes and consoles into their unsuspecting, delicately manicured hands? Why must we constantly force them to mingle and pose with giant, bobble-headed cartoon characters? Why must we ask them to play and promote something of which they clearly have no interest or knowledge?
As these surreal examples of celebrity "gaming" prove, we shouldn't. The results are rarely flattering... and NEVER believable.
1. Christina Aguilera
Here's what I mean. Couldn't someone have told poor Xtina that the Nintendo GameCube is, in fact, NOT a fashionable new handbag and, despite coming in three stylish colors, should NOT be used as such? An agent or publicist perhaps? Famous people can't figure this stuff out on their own, you know!
2. Zac Efron
The 360 controller and Bungie wristband tell us Zac is a real gamer. The upturned collar, designer t-shirt and sun-kissed bangs tell us otherwise. My suspicion? The star of High School Musical and Hairspray is one frag away from breaking into song, dance or possibly both.
One of these people is real. One is not. Can YOU spot the difference?
3. Steven Spielberg
Ah, the universal power of the Wii: making old people look even older. Here, the most successful and beloved director of our time has suddenly transformed into the captain of some retirement village's videogame bowling league. Could someone please help Grandpa put on the wrist strap?
4. Tara Reid
The Wii's other power? Inspiring sexual and phallic innuendo. But with the star of Taradise in this picture, I figure any attempts at such juvenile humor would be redundant.
5. Jack Black
Jack Black's power? Apparently, looking kinda like an idiot no matter what console he's being forced to play.
6. Snoop Dogg, Fergie and Wilmer Valderrama
And the power of these hardcore Hollywood playas? Being sooooooooo effing damn cool (tilted baseball caps and misappropriated gang symbols!), you don't even notice the game controller.
7. Jenny McCarthy
Jenny seems appropriately, and convincingly, excited to test the latest fast-paced action or sports game on her Xbox 360. Just one problem - she's playing Marble Blast Ultra. What the hell could possibly have happened inMarble Blast Ultra to elicit a face like that?
There! Now THAT's the vacant, joyless expression we were expecting.
8. Christian Slater
Nothing says "heart throb" like spiked hair, a tight black t-shirt and tighter blue jeans. Nothing says "aging, desperate heart throb in need of publicity" like playing DS in front of a ceiling-high Mario mural.
9. Mario Lopez
Poor Mario Lopez. His career has sunk so low, he has to stand next to Fergie Fudgehog for a paycheck. Then again... poor Fergie Fudgehog. She has to stand next to Mario Lopez for free.
10. Nicole Kidman
What? You don't own matching colored outfits for all your consoles? You don't play DS on matching white furniture in matching white rooms with matching white flowers in the background? Don't worry - you will when the Scientologists take over.
Well, putting the celebrity's face on the gaming system is certainly one way to produce genuine enthusiasm. Expect a Wilmer Valderrama 360 in the near future.
12. Josh Duhamel
Im not saying this guy is a bad actor. What I am saying is that the plastic statue next to him seems to have more emotional range. And if you didn't recognize Josh from the TV show Las Vegas, that's okay. No one did.
13. Tilda Swinton
The White Witch of Narnia continues to perfect her icy, bitchy disdain for everything good and fun and pure in the world.
14. Bill Gates
Breaking the mold as always, Bill is the only celebrity on my list who lookstoo geeky to play videogames.
Star Wars Chess? Maybe. Halo 3? I don't think so.
15. Peter Moore
Some remember him as former Corporate Vice President of Microsoft's Interactive Entertainment Business division. We'll always remember him as a pretend rock GOD.
16. The Reggies (Fils-Aime and Bush)
So many, many questions. Which Reggie signed that Wii? Why did they make it out to the "Triforce"? Is that a Power Glove? How much money was Reggie, the football star, given to model that ridiculous hat? Is Reggie, the President of Nintendo, going to eat me?
17. Rihanna
This photo does double duty, advertising both the Xbox 360 and the new Spring collection at Bloomingdale's. For a limited time, half-off on bamboo earrings and sunflower pillow covers!
(By the way, this is another celebrity playing Marble Blast Ultra. Are real games too complicated or something?)
18. Big Boi
No, the Xbox 360 Elite is not that large. Yes, Big Boi is simply that tiny.
Ironic much?
19. Lil Jon
Lil Jon appears utterly disappointed and disgusted by the pea soup green of the Halo 3 Special Edition Console. Finally, a true gamer!
20. Hulk Hogan
Oh my God! Hulk Hogan is going to tear those Pokemon kids' arms off!
21. Tony Romo
Oh my God! Tony Romo and his jock cronies are going to crush those miniature toy guitars between their giant meaty fingers!
22. Korn
Oh my God! This is... stupid.
23. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie (but mostly Paris Hilton)
Was there ever any doubt that the ultimate princess of publicity would appear on this list of gaming poseurs? Of course not, but I'm still impressed by the hotel heiress's work ethic. Lending her air of vague condescension to every console in reach was nice, but Paris really went the extra mile when she whored out her name as well. Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam, available on mobile phones, sounds awesome. Now if she'd just stop calling it Diamond Quest..
24. Ronald McDonald
Does a fast food mascot count as a celebrity? Dunno. What I do know is that this photo has haunted my dreams for days now and I had to share the misery. The only thing creepier than Ronald's leering gaze is Mario's dead-eyed synthetic stare. He looks like a drive-thru speaker box... from Hell.
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